Am I a Heretic?

Lately I’ve been reading Against Heresies by Irenaeus. I’ve been reading it in bed, on my phone, in the dark, when I wake in the middle of the night and can’t fall back asleep. Irenaeus wrote it somewhere around 180 AD. It’s a long book. It describes in detail many of what Irenaeus considered heresies of his time, outlining their beliefs, and countering them with his own. Irenaeus sometimes gets titled a heresiologist, which I think sounds cool. Long and dense is his book of heresiology. I won’t be finishing it anytime soon at this rate because I save it for its special time—at night, when the lights are out, on my phone—this is peaceful for me.

Irenaeus gets brought up now and again in historical Jesus studies because Against Heresies is the first text that explicitly mentions the Gospels by name. I say explicitly because Papias sort of does before him, but not explicitly. Irenaeus uses the Gospels and some of Paul’s letters to justify his arguments.

As I was reading Against Heresies a few nights ago, I got to wondering: am I a heretic? Heresy is subjective. The heretics Irenaeus writes about didn’t see themselves as heretics; they probably saw Irenaeus as the heretic. But despite its subjectivity, I might define a heretic as someone who belongs to a religious community but rejects or teaches against its core beliefs. If we define it that way, I might be a heretic.

And I feel like a heretic. I have felt this way for a while but haven’t had the word for it—heretic. Now it seems rather obvious. I attend Mass every Sunday, and though I act as any ordinary Catholic, I feel different. While we stand and recite the creeds, I feel like I’m in disguise. A lot of this is probably anxiety, as I’m a deeply anxious person, but there may be some truth to it.

I think the real Jesus of Nazareth was just a man. Not an ordinary man, but not one-third God. Interestingly, there were once ancient Christians who believed this as well. The Carpocratians. Irenaeus describes them this way:

[The Carpocratians] consider Jesus to have been the son of Joseph, just like all other men, and that He differed from other men only in this respect, that in His soul He was steadfast and pure, and thus His memory of those things which He had seen in the revolution of the pleroma enabled Him to escape the power of the makers of the world.
—Against Heresies 1.25.1

I deny the supernatural aspects of the Gospels. I don’t think Jesus was born of a virgin. I don’t think he walked on water. I don’t think he turned a few loaves of bread and a few fish into thousands. I don’t think his saliva brought sight.

I don’t believe these things because I’ve never heard a compelling argument that they’re true. I’ve heard many arguments that insist I should believe these things, but none that convince me that they’re true. They seem physically impossible. It seems more likely to me that these were inventions to deify Jesus, which wasn’t uncommon in the 1st century.

This has upset people, truly. Since I started this Substack journey, I have been told multiple times that I am not a Christian. They’ve never used the word heretic, but I think it is essentially the same accusation. I am saying I’m a Christian; someone else is saying my beliefs disallow that. In other words, I am a heretic to them.

I don’t know what my parish priest would say if I told him my beliefs. Truly, I don’t know. I’ve long wondered.

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What else makes me a heretic? I think the real Jesus was probably an apocalyptic prophet. I would truly like it if someone convinced me otherwise, but I’ve yet to hear an argument that does. In Mark Jesus says,

Truly I tell you, there are some standing here who will not taste death until they see that the kingdom of God has come with power.
—Mark 9:1 (NRSV)

Paul says,

Then we who are alive, who are left, will be caught up in the clouds together with them to meet the Lord in the air; and so we will be with the Lord forever.
—1 Thessalonians 4:17 (NRSV)

These are among a plethora of apocalyptic quotes from the New Testament, and the further back you go, the more apocalyptic the language gets. Mark and Paul are apocalyptic; John and Thomas are not. The evidence seems strong to me that the real Jesus thought an end-of-world event was soon to take place, and much of his ministry was built around this belief. God would come down from Heaven, raise the dead, judge the living and dead, send evil people to Hell, and welcome righteous people into a Heaven-on-Earth kingdom, also known as the Kingdom of God. This is so controversial because it would mean Jesus was wrong. That never happened.

All of this together might sound strange. Why would I call myself a Christian and hold such beliefs?

I want to make one thing clear about belief: you don’t have full control over it. I can’t simply choose to believe that Jesus was born of a virgin. I would certainly fit in better if I did, but I don’t. I could say I believe it, but then I’d be lying to myself.

Here is why I consider myself a Christian. I love it. I love going to church with my wife. I like the stained glass windows, the smell of incense, the rituals, the readings. I am obsessed with Jesus—truly obsessed. Part of how I have come to believe he was an apocalypticist is from how thoroughly I’ve researched him. The study of the historical Jesus is the most fascinating subject I have ever come across. On my daily hunts, I spend more time thinking about Jesus than I do hunting. I love the New Testament. I’ve read the Gospel of Mark at least seven times. I find comfort in prayer. Logic tells me that prayer is futile, but my heart tells me it is necessary. I feel better when I pray.

This is why I call myself a Christian. I love the church, Jesus, early Christian history, the Bible, and prayer.

But to many, this doesn’t matter. If I do not accept that Jesus literally rose from the dead, then I am not a Christian, but a heretic instead. I don’t think he literally rose from the dead because that doesn’t happen. I think what’s more likely is that Jesus’ followers experienced visions of him. Visions are real. They did indeed see Jesus alive again—but was he really there physically? I doubt it.

Yes, I feel like a heretic. Not a confident one though. Every post I make on here, I’m nervous I’m going to offend someone, and it’s not uncommon that I do. Regularly people slide into my DMs trying to convince me to accept Jesus as the true Christ. To them I am a heretic who needs fixing. I have frustrated them.

It is a strange hobby I have, this historical Jesus. I’m assuming most of the people who know me personally have found my obsession with Jesus kind of strange. Most of my Instagram posts and stories these days are about him. It hasn’t always been that way.

I know I’m not the only one who holds these beliefs, but those who do usually aren’t Christian and state they’ve lost their faith or never had it to begin with. I don’t know many who are like me: deny the supernatural, but still live a Christian life and identify as such. It’s not just that it’s lonely; it’s that it feels like people think I’m the enemy—a heretic. When people rebut my claims about denying the supernatural, it’s rarely a polite, tame exchange. They are usually offended, clearly angry that I’m saying such things. This gives me terrible anxiety.

Why do it then? Why have Notes From Gehenna at all if I’m so afraid of offending people? This might sound corny to some, but it’s because I am a true writer. If God came down and said I would never be published again, no one would read a word I wrote, I would still probably do it. I have wanted to be a writer since I was a little boy, and I like to think, although I’m small-time, that I have achieved that dream. The point is I don’t just want to write—I have to. It is what I do and it will always be that way.

I could keep going on about what I believe and what I don’t believe, but I think you get the idea. I am a heretic. I’m neither proud nor ashamed. It’s just the way it is. But maybe I should be proud. Maybe I would be less anxious if I accepted my beliefs more pridefully. But I don’t want to preach that I think my version of Christianity is the true version, because I don’t feel that way. Irenaeus describes heretics as such:

They overthrow the truth and transfer the preaching of the Church to another system, falsely alleging that they possess a superior knowledge.
—Against Heresies 1.1.1

I don’t think my knowledge is superior, but it is mine. My knowledge tells me Jesus was just a man. He started his ministry around the same age as I am now. He preached that the end of the world was near. He didn’t miraculously heal people, but performed spiritual healings that later got exaggerated. He didn’t physically rise from the dead, but his followers did have visual experiences where they saw him, and those too were exaggerated later on. And maybe I’m wrong. Maybe when I die I’ll meet the Lord and these beliefs will be held against me. They’re certainly being held against me today, and maybe even more so with this post.

Despite my heresy, I’ll continue to research the historical Jesus and early Christianity. I’ll continue to go to Mass until the day I’m told I can’t. I’ll continue to read the Bible. I’ll continue to pray. My beliefs are heretical and I’m stuck with them.

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Drawing by George Minne - “Christ” 1921.