Help My Unbelief
Last week I wrote about my heresy. Readers were divided. Some said I was indeed a heretic; others disagreed. I wrote about how I deny the supernatural in the Bible, deny that Jesus was literally the physical Son of God, yet still pray and go to church every Sunday. Sounds like a contradiction. It probably is.
I’m weird, yes. I’ve become used to it.
But after reading the comments from last week, I got to thinking: would my life be better if I were a believer? Would I lose anxieties? Would I never doubt purpose in life? Would I not fear death?
Prayer feels nearly involuntary. I have a strong urge to pray whenever I need help, and fulfilling that urge always feels satisfying, even if I have doubts about its effectiveness. But it’s not just scratching an itch. It’s meditative. I don’t know what exactly is happening here, but when I pray I feel relaxed. It calms anxiety a touch. I like the language of prayer. It’s soothing.
Now I wonder how much better this experience would be if I had no doubts someone was listening. If I were truly convinced that the Lord Jesus Christ was hearing my prayers, I imagine the experience would be more complete…potent…profound…I can’t quite think of the word because I can only speculate.
Where else might my life improve if I were a believer?
With faith comes certainty of purpose. God has a purpose for you. The Lord Jesus Christ has a purpose for you. I hope this is true, but I’m not fully convinced. That being said, I do go about my life in a purposeful way. Writing is my passion. I love my wife and my family. I love my dogs. This all feels meaningful, and I live as if it is. But in moments of deep thinking or despair, I question the existence of purpose. I wonder if it’s an illusion. A human construct without existence outside of us. A survival mechanism formed through natural selection—those who felt purpose were more likely to survive. So we feel it, even when it isn’t there. If I believed Jesus was the Christ, I don’t think I would ever think this way.
Where else?
I’m not ashamed to admit that I’m afraid to die. I’m skeptical of those who claim they aren’t. But maybe I would better understand if I were a believer. If I accepted Jesus’ promise, if I believed that after death there would be eternal life, then what would I have to fear? “…those who all their lives were held in slavery by the fear of death.” —Hebrews 2:15 (NRSV). Many atheists argue there is nothing to fear in death, as all fear will vanish with it. This makes sense logically, but it’s difficult for me to find comfort in. Heaven, on the other hand, is comforting. I might not fear death if I were convinced of its existence.
And then I wonder what the historical Jesus would say to me if I told him about my doubts. I’m not talking about the theological Jesus who is alive today, but the man who actually walked on earth 2000 years ago. The apocalyptic prophet—in my view.
I imagine to him that doubting God’s existence would sound incredibly strange. We have no indication that anything like modern atheism existed in first-century Israel. It’s possible, sure, but we have no evidence of it. God was most likely a fact to these people, not a belief.
But doubt in him—that is, doubt in Jesus—would not have been strange to him. Most Jews didn’t become Christians, while many likely knew of him. It’s difficult to say how famous Jesus was in his lifetime; my best guess is that he was well known among the Jewish people. It’s also difficult to say how large his following was; my best guess is that it was fairly small in terms of committed followers, but larger in terms of admirers. I know that’s vague. It’s hard to put a number on these things. It’s also really difficult to say how these people actually saw Jesus. The New Testament even suggests there was confusion.
Jesus asked them, “Who do people say that I am?”
They said, “John the Baptist; others, Elijah; still others, one of the prophets.”
He said to them, “But who do you say that I am?”
Peter answered him, “You are the Messiah.”
And Jesus ordered them not to tell anyone.—Mark 8:27–30 (NRSV)
My larger point is that I don’t think the real Jesus would be surprised to hear I had doubts about his divinity. He would have been used to it.
This opens a different topic, and a debated one: did the historical Jesus see himself as the messiah? Did he see himself as the physical son of God?
To address these properly would take another essay. The short answer is I don’t think that he saw himself as the physical son of God, but he saw himself as the messiah—which to many Christians are the same thing, but to first-century Jews they were not. The whole difference between son of God, Son of Man, and messiah is a confusing one, that too would take an entire essay to properly address. Short answer: Kings and Israel itself are referred to as sons of God in the Old Testament, so is Jesus in the Gospels. Daniel and Jesus (in the Gospels) refer to a coming cosmic Son of Man figure. Messiah means anointed one. It originally was a term used for the King of Israel. Holy oil was poured on his head at the beginning of his reign, “anointed him,” and so he became the messiah. There was no King of Israel in Jesus’ time, and there hadn’t been one in 600 years. People started getting the idea that there would be a future messiah. People’s idea of what this messianic figure would be like started to vary. But none had the expectation that he would be a crucified criminal. Most Jews were expecting a King David-type figure, who would drive the Romans out, and restore the Kingdom of Israel. This is likely the reason so few Jews became Christians—they couldn’t accept a crucified messiah. But we proclaim Christ crucified, a stumbling block to Jews… — 1 Corinthians 1:23 (NRSV).
I think the historical Jesus would tell me to give up my possessions and follow him. “Go, sell what you own, and give the money to the poor… then come, follow me.” —Mark 10:21 (NRSV). I think he would tell me the end of the world was near and I needed to get right with God through repentance and righteousness to enter the kingdom. I think he wouldn’t object to my doubting Trinitarian claims, because those ideas would have been unfamiliar to him. I don’t think he believed he was one-third of a Godhead. I think he saw himself as a human chosen by God to inaugurate the kingdom, where he would then have a place of higher prominence.
I think he would tell me to fear death only if I were a bad person. I think he believed the dead would soon rise—the righteous would be welcomed into the kingdom of God, while the wicked would be cast into Hell.
I think he would tell me that prayer is good and important. And like God’s existence, prayer would have been a given to him. I think he would teach me to pray something like the Our Father. I believe that prayer in particular traces back to the historical Jesus—probably not perfectly, but something close.
And I’m convinced he was smart and charming and good with words. Maybe he could convince me out of disbelief. I don’t know what he would say, but I am convinced it would be convincing. I think he was like that.
So what do I do with all of this? I think my life might be better if I were a believer, but I can’t make myself believe. I’m also convinced the real Jesus of Nazareth wouldn’t completely agree with the modern belief in him. There are many middle grounds, and many of my readers have found them. But that doesn’t solve my problem of disbelief. Or at least, I have yet to hear a middle ground that does. I’ve played with the idea of some sort of metaphorical acceptance of Jesus’ divinity, but I haven’t been able to make sense of it.
Many claim that their belief in Christ didn’t come from thinking themselves into it, but from something they’ve experienced—a revelation, a supernatural event. I’ve never had something like this. God has never spoken to me. I’ve never felt God’s presence the way people describe. I’ve never experienced anything I would call supernatural.
Do I wait for the day that I do? What if it never comes? Is there a thought process that will make me a believer? What is it?
How do I believe? I want to.
“I believe; help my unbelief!” —Mark 9:24 (NRSV).
I just want to preface that I really appreciate your page! One of my favourites on here and I love your honesty as well— I’d love to push back on this statement a little.
“I’ve never felt God’s presence the way people describe. I’ve never experienced anything I would call supernatural.
Do I wait for the day that I do? What if it never comes? Is there a thought process that will make me a believer? What is it?”
I think you have experienced God! You experience supernatural things every day. The sun in the sky giving us light, the trees breathing out essential oxygen for us only to be met with our essential carbon dioxide, the miracle of life at all, never mind just the basic concept of human consciousness and conception. The rotation of planets and the irreducible complexities of anatomical systems. From your testimony, when you pray, love, are generous, etc, you experience something. You are surrounded by miracles man. That’s God speaking to you.
And Joseph, you do believe! Everything you do is based on faith. You have faith that your wife isn’t going to leave, that the chairs you sit in won’t break, the planes you fly on won’t crash, the banks where you put your money won’t fail. What is one more step of faith towards Christ?
I don’t think it’s an evidence issue, at all. Because there is compelling biblical and historical evidence that Christ believed himself to be God incarnate (I have written an article on this, and also why the Trinity matters, if you are interested).
There is no magical thought process, and for many people there is no blinding Damascus Road moment. For others it’s an Emmaus Road experience like in Luke 24 where Christ appears as an unrecognized stranger invited in to break bread, and for others it’s from simply reading the Scriptures like the Ethiopian eunuch did in Acts 8.
Belief is first and foremost a choice that we make based on one part of the picture, even before we see the full picture. That apocalyptic prophet you see is just one part of the whole.
I am praying for you brother, not just that you will see Christ in all his glory, but that you and your family would be blessed and encouraged, and that you would experience the power and love of God.
I think I hear what you are saying, Joseph. I used to be a church attending person but realized that I didn’t really believe that Jesus was God or that he was the only way to God. I did not have a “personal relationship with Jesus.” So I started telling myself and everyone that I was not a Christian, even though I attended church, retreats, etc. I was seeking Truth. I spent over 3 years in pain living with the honest fact that I did not and could not believe in claims of Jesus as God yet I was drawn to try to find out. I believed that as a true skeptic and a doubting Thomas myself, it was impossible to ever prove (intellectually/philosophically) the existence of God and claim of Jesus as God.
The question I have for you is: are you sincerely seeking Jesus as God from your heart? Are you willing to give up everything you have to find your answer and then to follow and serve Jesus? If you are, then Jesus will reveal himself to you, I have no doubt, and answer all your questions in ways you do not expect.
My concern for you Joseph is that in your article you already said that you are not ready or willing to give up all your possessions to personally know Jesus as God and follow him, who is eternal life. I just hope and pray that one day you will desire to know Jesus as the way, the truth, and the life so much that you would be able to give your life for him. Like they say, when the student is ready, the teacher will show up.
For me, I came to know the truth of Jesus through the power of his Holy Spirit. There could be no other way. It had to be this way for me because no intellectual, historical, or philosophical argument or evidence was enough for me. I had an encounter with the Holy Spirit (or the Spirit of Jesus) in whose presence I trembled and shook for hours and entered into state of awe inside a chapel whose fourth door miraculously opened for me in an otherwise locked church. After that night, for 4-6 months I was constantly trembling, filled with sense of awe, joy, and even ecstasy just about everyday. I became so convinced in the truth and divinity of Jesus that I prayed God take these experiences away since I no longer needed them to convince me.
But, before all of this happened to me, I prayed to God from the bottom of my heart the following prayer: “Jesus, if you are who you and others say you are, if you are the way, the truth, and the life, then reveal yourself to me and let me inside this locked chapel and I will serve you and your people for the rest of my life.” Then, a door to the chapel miraculously opened and when I walked inside alone on a Friday night, the Holy Spirit came upon me for the first time in my life, and I’ve never doubted ever again. That was 37 years ago.
It is my personal belief that you need to know the supernatural power the Holy Spirit, which you can only receive if your heart conditions are right in God’s eyes. And only God is the judge of our hearts. I hope and pray that one day your heart will be ready to offer everything to Jesus and God the Father. God is faithful and trustworthy, and you will be blessed eternally.